Last Month|July 2017

Wassgudddddd Shawtys.

It has been two weeks since I have published something.

(A Moment of Silence for my Respect)

I understand if you are angry, if you are confused, at why in the world Mattison has not posted. Last month was full of twist and turns that I have never experienced in my life. Let’s just say that adulting has hit me with a couple of “one-twos” and I am just recovering from my black eye and two broken ribs.

Before writing this, I debated with myself whether to let you all in on all the specific, detailed fill situations I have gotten myself into. One side of me is saying that my stories may speak to someone, my vulnerability is going to appeal to the heart of my readers and move them to share this post more (wink wink). But there was a louder voice that was reminding me of all the emotions that I went through. All the feelings would come back up at one time; maybe I just wasn’t ready to share everything I went through. But I knew that last month was meant to be shared.

That is why I decided to share a lesson with you all this week.

A lot of times last month I thought back to how optimistic I was before I graduated from college. I was thinking about all the moves I was about to make, all the success I was about to achieve. I just knew I was going to have my own apartment by August. Steph and I would be building together and growing our empire. And then my thoughts would end with me staring around my room, within the four walls of my parents’ house, jobless, and broke. Within the 3 months, after I walked across the stage, I had accomplished nothing. One day, my brother jokingly called me a bum and listed out the reasons. Surprisingly, that little joke broke my heart. I cried a little on the inside.

[You have my permission to laugh]

I also went through a lot of grown up experiences. I had a very shocking doctor’s appointment and health awakenings that scarred me. It made me question how well versed I was with myself and my body. I had a few real ass conversations with my parents about my work ethic, my transition into living and providing for myself, and my current moves. Of course, my learning experience would not be complete if Steph and I did not learn our own little relationship lesson along the way.

The day you stop learning, YOU’RE DEAD

-D.B.B.

But I knew that everything I went through could be fixed. My solution was simple: learn and do. There were things I still needed to learn, ideas I needed to change, moves I needed to make. The mistake that I made was allowing my emotions and circumstances to take over me. In some ways, I was afraid to start writing again. I did not want to fail again. I did not want to get rejected by yet another job. I did not want to work in fast food AGAIN. I did not want to go back to the doctor! A small part of me found comfort in being home.

Let me just say that you really start appreciating the small things in your life when you are living with your parents and going through hard times, plus you’re a full adult. The other day, I simply looked up to the ceiling and thanked God for allowing me to have a place to stay, a ceiling over my head. I was broke, but a Shawty was comfortable. And that comfort was well welcomed at that time.

So, I slacked. I refuse to go into details about this part because, if you have ever been in my shoes, you can imagine. If you haven’t, tell God thank you.

I came up out of my stupor when I noticed my little brother doing his homework more. It shocked me because this was the same guy that is always on Netflix, always talking junk, trying to be cool. He at least looked like he was getting his self together. Next, one of my good friends, who is also a blogger, called me like twice in two weeks talking about her blog. I’m going to just drop that link, because I am so proud of her. Thirdly, Steph started making strives into his business venture and career.

By this time, I am really feeling like a bum. I automatically hold myself accountable because I’m at least grown enough not to bullsh** myself. This is my fault. I wasted a whole month because I let my emotions put me in a comfortable stupor of laziness. Acceptance is the first step; once I did that, part of those fears went away because I know that I was the only person holding myself back.

For a second I was just telling myself, “Oh I’m taking time to rest, to relax and give myself a breather because of all the stress I was going through.” But self-love is not only about physically taking care of your body and mind, it’s also caring about your future, your dreams, and the success once you achieve them. With no balance, I was failing.

As college graduates, even if you’re not living with your parents, if you’re not broke, we all go through this stupor. We get so overwhelmed with bad circumstances and experiences, that we inwardly give up.  Most people only mention when we go through things and fall into depression. But there needs to be conversation given to the subject of giving up because of being comfortable with your current surroundings, settling.

There is good news though! It is a new month! August has come in moving just as fast as July. The August weather has brought in beautiful rain, cool afternoons, and a shining sun. I think everything that has happened is a lesson and the month of August is a challenge to get back on track and tackle some achievements for the rest of the year.

I have been thinking of a lot of good post ideas and strategies to advance She’s Matti Son. Thankfully my mind has been working overtime since I came back to my senses. I have picked up a few good habits, and praying and reading my Bible more. In all, I feel rejuvenated and ready to use this new energy to my advantage. I hope that I have encouraged you to feel the exact same.

My mother would often say: “The day you stop learning, YOU’RE DEAD!”

It just so happens, I’m still typing.

See you next last month.